This morning when I woke up feeling stiff in my low back, I realized how disconnected I have been feeling in my body. I got on my yoga mat and woke up the joints of my limbs and spine. My low back was so tight that the dominant sensation was PAIN. The dominant feeling was loss followed quickly by sadness. Where did I go? Why did I let myself go this far? I thought I had been feeling.
This past month my middle daughter’s dear childhood friend was murdered by her Marine husband after he returned from the Iraq war. She was a beautiful 21-year old with a heart of gold. The memories I have of this young man/boy are that he too was a sensitive kindred spirit.
The immediate response I felt to this news was deep sadness at the thought of never again seeing Jessy, whom I had watched grow up alongside my daughter. Then I was enveloped in judgments about the war, the Marines & our political leaders. How could this beautiful soul be taken so young and so horrifically? I started feeling in my heart and landed in my head in reaction. I wanted to judge, make someone wrong.
It blew me away when her mother expressed no animosity to the boy. Instead she felt deep compassion for his troubled mind. And wanted him to get help. She knew they were in love and happy. She also knew that he returned from the war a changed man/boy. He had left as a sweet soul and returned deeply pained. Now tragedy had struck.
I found it quite a challenge to wrap my mind around this experience and find neutral ground. How can I stay present in my heart with all of my mind’s editorials? It’s so easy to lose track of our way. Heart or mind? How do I integrate both for clear expression instead of either/or, right or wrong?
I looked at a couple of ways I could express my feelings. I could say “I feel deep sadness, loss and pain in my heart for the passing of "J", the lousy war, insensitive Marines who didn’t even call to acknowledge her passing and offer their comrade any kind of support.” Or I could say, “I feel deep sadness, loss and pain in my heart for the passing of "J". I can feel the light that radiated from her smile and laughter. I can feel the sweetness of her gentle heart. I carry her sparkle with me as she is an angel buzzing around sharing her love in the heavens.”
I then I ask myself, how do I feel after each communication? Which one keeps me in my heart or takes me into my thinking/judging mind resulting in feeling negative and like a victim?
We have a choice. We can get hooked into old patterns of drama, gossip, ill-will, fear, negativity & judgment. Or simply feel what’s in your heart.
There is a presence in you that is always experiencing. It is a presence that is separate from your thoughts, from your feelings and from everything else.
This presence is the nonlocal domain from which everything originates. It is the infinite source of possibility and potential. It is you, without name, without concepts, without beliefs, without anything your mind could think of.
When you learn to live from this level of existence you are the one manifesting everything. You are the wizard - and remarkable revelations at this level become almost ordinary and normal. -Tom Herold
What will inspire you to have gratitude and take responsibility for your life?. A loved one dying or witnessing a new life being born? Or you could step out into nature, breathe deep, feel the rhythms of life in the trees, rivers, oceans, the earth beneath your feet and FEEL YOUR PRESENCE connecting your mind and body.
Now I breathe and consciously feel my lungs expanding in my chest. I am waking up my muscles after long weeks disconnected slumber. Boy, does it feel great! I feel life coursing through me again. At once I feel relaxation and energy. I am whole. I am alive. My body is my earthly vehicle. How can I love it even more? When I am connected to all of myself, I feel plugged into all of life.
Ask yourself a few questions. Am I truly feeling today or do I think I’m feeling? And what concrete actions can I take to make feeling life a higher priority than mentalizing life?
Are you trying to put them into a box so your mind understands? Or are you living in presence? The discipline of asking such questions can wake us up to splendor of feeling alive today. From wherever "J" is now, I’m sure she’d agree that it’s worth the inquiry!
